Does Great Sex Constitute a Great Relationship
What do you want in a relationship?
Have you thought about what your real needs are?
For many couples when the seriousness of commitment and responsibilities eventuate the sex tends to take a dive.
Why does this happen?
People come together with their values, their fixed ideas on how things should be done. They come together with their expectations and assumptions.
Their individual perspective is a result of their life’s experience.
Quite often this can be then thrown onto the partner and the partner is expected to accept it – like it or not. At times it can come across far more subtly, but the feeling is still one of discomfort. Another obstacle that keeps people having the relationship they want is that they are looking for the relationship to be the solution to their problems. This approach tends to dis-empower both people in the relationship.
A partner cannot fix what you alone need to fix within yourself. It is not the partner’s responsibility to right the wrongs that you have experienced in your own life. You alone are solely responsible for dealing with, and bringing closure to pains from the past. If these pains and hurts are transferred onto your partner a destructive pattern begins to emerge.
Sex will dissipate very quickly.
Stages of Love
Consider the following points: Communication and connectedness are paramount to a great sex life. It is an intimacy that is far more satisfying than the physical one when you first met. Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don’t kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale.
The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.
- Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It’s impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.
- Don’t make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren’t in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that initial emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stage of love for a different but richer experience. This moving forward together is the key element to enhancing your intimacy.
- The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners.
- Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the “importance scale” if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a worrying issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying Sex lives rate Sex at only 10 percent on the “importance scale”.
- Don’t restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life.
Make time for Sex
Two busy people can equally be too busy for Sex. But don’t let the pressures of work and social commitments distract you from this essential part of a healthy relationship. While passion and lust naturally wane as a relationship becomes older, don’t become lazy and complacent when it comes to your Sex life. There’s plenty you can do to keep the passion alive, just use your imagination.
Organise your life to make time for romance. Be mindful of each others needs.
Keeping the relationship healthy and alive with a maintenance program of romancing is essential. If you truly love your partner you will not view this as a chore but as a pleasure – not only for your partner but also for yourself. Ladies remember that men need to be romanced as much as women do.
Sex cannot be viewed as a light switch that can be turned on and off. In actually fact the turning off resounds the loudest with this approach. Find time to laugh together and enjoy being in each others company.
When you hold hands, kiss or embrace it does not mean that there always has to be Sex. Learning to be romantic and considerate will always win hands down over pressuring your partner for sex.
It takes two to tango so it helps to be in step with one another by respecting each others needs and communicating the steps that will make your dance exciting, interesting, passionate and complete.
Krys Noah is University Qualified and is President of the South Australian Association of Relationship Counsellors in South Australia.
Member Organisation of PACFA
Clinical Member of AHA – Hypnotherapy
Registered Member of Medical Register of Australia
