This truly is an interesting question and has raised much controversy amongst professionals and individuals in society. In my opinion there is no ‘one solution that fits all’.
Nearly everybody has been hurt by some action, word or deed. Perhaps you were bullied at school, or your parent constantly criticised your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project, your son/daughter showed little respect or gratitude, or your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of hurt and anger – sometimes leading to bitterness, or for some hate and even vengeance.
Holding on to these negative emotions for a lengthy period of time changes who we really are – it causes us to react when our ‘buttons are pressed’ rather than managing the situation and responding constructively. We loose sight of seeing things in their true perspective.
Almost everything that has been written about forgiveness tells the hurt partner, or party, to forgive. “Forgiveness is good for us,” we’re told. “Good people forgive.” But in my clinical practice of 25 years I have made some interesting observations. When an individual acts in a hurtful way, shows no remorse, or is totally unwilling to make meaningful repairs – there is a dilemma. The hurt party is expected to forgive somebody who doesn’t care about being forgiven, or worse still, believes that their actions were justified – showing no remorse, and no willingness to admit or change unacceptable behaviour.
In a relationship situation where a partner cheats, remarries and shows no remorse – the hurt party would be extremely reticent to voyage on the idea of forgiveness. This makes perfect sense. Why is it that only the hurt party needs to ‘fix things’? Why is there less attention given to the offenders and have them earn forgiveness?
We are told that we need to forgive in order to heal our wounds and get on with our lives. That’s easier said than done and not always wise advise. Forgiveness that is not earned is “empty, cheap forgiveness.”
What is Forgiveness and Acceptance?
Generally, forgiveness is an acceptance – a conscious decision to accept what has happened and to find ways to let go of hurts, resentment and negative thoughts about another by building constructive thought patterns about self. It’s about coming to a realisation that we are only hurting ourselves by hanging on to ‘past rubbish’ that blocks us and weighs us down. The memory of the hurt or offence might always remain a part of life, but acceptance and forgiveness toward self for ‘torturing oneself’ can lessen its grip, and help focus on other positive parts of life. Memories fade as we rebuild our lives on stronger foundations and get back to our core values.
Acceptance doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimise or justify the wrong – it does not excuse the act. Forgiveness and acceptance brings a kind of peace that promotes moving on with life.
What are the benefits of Acceptance and Forgiveness?
- Healthier relationships
- Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
- Less anxiety, stress and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
- Honouring the full sweep of emotions
- Giving up the need for revenge but continuing to seek a just resolution
- Stemming obsessive focus on the injury and reengaging with life
- Protecting oneself from further abuse
- Framing the offender’s behaviour in terms of the offender’s own personal struggles, which may have begun before the hurt party came on the scene
- Looking honestly at their own contribution to the injury
- Challenging their false assumptions about what happened
- Looking at the offender apart from his offence, weighing the good against the bad
- Carefully deciding what kind of relationship they want with the offender
- Forgiving self for entertaining blame and shame as the injured party
Acceptance is a healing alternative that asks nothing of the offender.
When the offender is not sorry, or is not physically available – when he or she is unable or unwilling to make meaningful repairs – it is not the job of the hurt party to forgive. But it is the job of the hurt party to rise above the violation and heal him or herself.
Save
We all have a sense of self. Whether this sense of self is positive or negative is based upon our experience in life and our perceptions and assessment of ourself. Sometimes this assessment may be distorted or tainted by events and happenings in our environment, and possibly inherited emotions passed on from previous generations.
Our self-concept is a factual description of how we perceive ourselves, regardless of how others may see us.
When parents who are living together, or are separated/divorced, are engaged in conflict – children hurt and are in pain. Initially, they may not show obvious signs of distress but over time the build up can lead to an impairment of physical, social and emotional development. The child soaks in happenings within the environment and quite often tries to make sense of it and possibly even blames themselves.
Interestingly enough, even the parents cannot always see reason and can act immaturely and irrationally – so what chance does a child have at interpreting the behaviour they witness. The child usually is left feeling anxious, fearful, bewildered and confused.
Children do not wish to take sides as both parents represent their security. This sense of security eventually determines the child’s ability to trust themselves and the world around them. It can strongly impact their sense of self-worth, their view of themselves in relation to others, and their interpretation of where they fit in the dynamics of their relationships, and life in general.
A child’s self esteem can be nurtured or fragmented unwittingly by a parent or parents who are themselves trying to make sense of their own issues and dilemmas.
Most parents try their best from their life experience, intuition, and learned skill set and knowledge. Parents who are in conflict with one another are so engrossed in “winning” or “defending” themselves that they are oblivious to the affects on the child. The child may then take on faulty, distorted scripts and labels that hinder their ability to develop sound self-esteem and self-efficacy.
Save
Your fantasy relationship can be with the person you are with right now!
You may be actually looking at your dream man or dream woman but somehow the fire in the relationship has been slowly diminishing.
Relationship Counselling is about bringing the fun, passion and excitement back into the relationship.
You can exchange a monotonous, routine relationship for an emotionally connected one with greater intimacy and fabulous sexual engagement. When you learn to awaken the feelings that you already possess and become more aware and mindful of each other’s needs the “sky is the limit” for your relationship potential.
Krystyna’s counselling directive will support you in applying principals & strategies that will:
- Realise your own potential and increase the quality of your life together.
- Experience a renewed sense of challenge and excitement.
- Expand your understanding & awareness of what makes your partner tick.
- Turn your emotional disengagement to a desire to meet your partner’s needs.
- Recognise your repeated negative patterns.
- Create a willingness to be influenced by your partner and see things differently.
- Improve your well being by lowering stress and learning to release your feelings and get the emotional response you need from your partner.
- Increase your confidence by learning communication skills that make a difference.
- Enhance shared meaning, purpose, goals toward a happier future.
- Heighten romance, fun and sexual pleasure.
Life is not a dress rehearsal.
You are valuable, and your relationship with your partner cannot be left to chance. You can transform old responses into new behaviours and enjoy the relationship of your dreams.
Related Information
For further information on my services please visit my Counselling and Hypnotherapy Pages
Make Relationships Work
Politics in Relationships
Does Great Sex Constitute a Great Relationship
Save
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is a surprisingly simple, self administered technique that has amazing results. It can be applied anytime, anywhere. Gentle and easy to learn it erases anxiety & fear.
This remarkable new healing technique is based on the ancient art of acupuncture combined with modern psychology. Studies performed at Murdoch University WA, and numerous reports from overseas show compelling results of improved well being and performance.
Energy blockages in the body are released, allowing blood circulation and body electricity to flow freely. This promotes emotional and physical healing.
Krystyna Noah’s approach to using EFT engages the client in such a way that immediate benefits are felt and long-term potency is evident. The combination of a tapping sequence coupled with relevant affirmations, engages the mind to work with the body.
Its powerful effectiveness has transformed many people’s lives.
There are no boundaries or limits to its application. Krys supports empowering her clients to use a variety of techniques and strategies so that the individual is engaged in paving the way for constructive change.
Being pro-active opens doors to personal growth and emotional freedom.
Change in our life is inevitable.
Failure to accommodate change can lead to mental and physical stress. EFT reduces or eliminates fears & phobias, past traumas, public speaking & performance anxiety, anger, relationship issues, self esteem, faulty beliefs & defensiveness, and many other common problems.
Medical trials have supported its powerful effectiveness transforming many people’s lives resulting in emotional & physical healing. Individuals feel a most welcome freedom after this technique is administered.
They are then able to make better decisions and wiser choices, due to the improved clarity in their thinking.
EFT has been shown to have immediate benefits and long-term potency.
This amazing technique can be used for:
- Addictions
- ADHD
- Allergies
- Anger
- Anxiety
- Back Pain
- Childhood Pain
- Communication
- Confidence
- Defensiveness
- Depression
- Eating Disorders
- Emotional Pain
- Family Conflict
- Faulty Beliefs
- Fear
- Fear of Flying
- Grief
- Impatience
- Insomnia
- Migraines
- Nightmares
- OCD
- Panic Attacks
- Physical Pain
- Public Speaking
- Relationships
- Relaxation
- Self Doubt
- Self Esteem
- Sports Anxiety
- Trauma
- Weight Loss
- Work Stress
Discover the Power of EFT
Save
Save
Self esteem is an emotion.
It is the degree that we consciously or sub-consciously accept and like ourselves, despite our mistakes and human frailties. It determines what we think about ourselves and how we behave toward others.
Krys uses a number of invaluable tools and approaches to turn negative self talk, and negative thoughts into positive action.
She teaches clients how to break the destructive cycle of remaining in “think” and “feel” for too long. Getting stuck in this cycle inevitably leads to anxiety, low self worth, and depression.
Some approaches and strategies include:
- Recognising negative self talk & the triggers
- Determining rational & irrational thoughts
- Straight thinking exercises
- Strategies for challenging negative thoughts
- Genuine self versus survival self
- Authenticity test
- EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
- EMDR (Eye Movement De-sensitisation and Reprocessing)
Krys teaches her clients to value and care for themselves. Sometimes they remain stuck because of past hurts and trauma.
Healing will occur when there is a commitment to accept and understand the present reality, and a desire to change what isn’t working. It also requires an openness to be aware of that which is holding a person back from reaching their full potential. Actioning new strategies is imperative for true change to come about.
Krys manner and sensitivity motivates her clients to desire an enriched life of authenticity, and contentment.
Save
